Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize