this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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