That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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