He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
