just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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