I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
