You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
