This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
