it hurts more in the daytime
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize