My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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