i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
