I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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