tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
