this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
