hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
