I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
