Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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