I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
people are starting to question the shark bite story
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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