I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He passed out mid-signature
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
