I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize