I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
