I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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