I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
