Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
