im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
