theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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