they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
