Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
