Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
