just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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