We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
