Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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