I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
