I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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