Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
