it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My vagina is officially offended.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
