you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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