guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Farmville is her only friend.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
