And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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