is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
