I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
