I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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