haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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