he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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