those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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