Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
