So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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