I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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