and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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