remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
