She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
