Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
