Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
