The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
