There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
