I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Send help, water and tortillas.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
