im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize