Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i was born a porn star she said
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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