Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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