So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
