my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I didn't notice because vodka
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
