Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
