i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
