bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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