Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We got so high we made milksteak
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize